I just want to run, into the woods, and lay on the grass. I want to rest my head on the shoulders of my Beloved, and listen to Him sing me songs of grace, and songs of embrace. I will soak in His presence, and I will be captivated by the twinkling of the stars. My eyes shall be shut at peace, and my mind will find comfort in the silence.
In contrast, I just want to run—Far far away, from the worries of this world, from all the pain, all the loss, and all the condemnation. I am an undeserving person, whom am I to be called? I wish that I could spend the rest of my life according to plan Z, at a bright sunny farm at the countryside of China... toiling day and night, totally shut away from the world. My friends would be the cows and the chicken, my scent would be of the poops and the poppies. I could possibly be the country-town's only photographer and videographer.. I could bring them joy, I could bring them memories.
But how can I escape?
How can I let go of the massive dreams I have, and the influence and legacy I desire to leave?
How can I be a coward and choose escape or death just because I am afraid of what I could achieve?
How can I be afraid of failure if there is an equal chance of success?
How can I not care of the people in this world who need me, and who could make a difference to me?
I have daily issues. But in caring for other people's needs, it elevates my spirit.
My perspective is changed, my passion is ignited—It IS people, it has always been about people.
I always wonder at my funeral, whether I die at 25, or 85...... whom will be there, and whom will cry.
But more than that, I hope to write in a letter that people shan't mourn at my departure.
I hope that it would be an exciting celebration, that perhaps, just perhaps—my life has truly mattered.
I want champagnes and ciders, I want confetti and cupcakes.
Most of all, I just want to rest. After fighting this battle of life, it is time for me to shut my eyes.
Dear God,
A beloved friend of mine wants to throw her hands up and wave the white flag of surrender..
I too, am so tempted.
But I know you have greater plans. So please, help us. Truly, help. X